JUPITER BREACHED URANUS’ ATMOSPHERE, WHAT HAPPENED NEXT I DIDN’T BELIEVE

Last night, around midnight, there was a report from AAA (Amateur Astrological Association) that following a slow and non-covert approach, a flirt if you may, Jupiter went forth through a gassy atmosphere and rammed Uranus. No good for Uranus considering Jupiter’s girth.

 

Hummer Niles, a professor at MDFU (Manic Depression in the Future University) said, “If we were about 20,000 kilometers closer, the sound would have ruptured more than just Uranus, it would have shattered our perception of sound”

 

When asked why Jupiter went for it, it responded,”I always wanted to try.”

 

Uranus is having second thoughts about the whole thing, but reports say surface damage is temporary and it will be back to orbiting things in no time. Who knew Uranus was so resilient?!

By Falicia Faletio

 

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12 PRESUMED DEAD AFTER URANIUM DRESS UP PARTY

A Russian tragedy, if we’ve ever seen one.

12 fashion designers visiting from Moscow trying to make a splash in the Los Angeles scene thought up a new idea for futurespace themed jumpsuits. They were awesome jumpsuits. Lined with neon glowing uranium from the deepest mines of southern Russia. The Uranium was as unstable as the plans to wear Uranium on one’s body, or so it would seem. An explosion was heard around 3 AM, and the flat in which they were staying was seen flying towards interstellar space, cleanly separated from the rest of the building in a massive explosion causing no other harm whatsoever. Their rate of speed was so high, no one knows their final whereabouts, or if the art deco flat survived the perilous trip through Earth’s atmosphere. One LA local commented, “shit was dope, I hope they’re okay”

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HARVARD STUDY SHOWS HANDS WERE ONCE FEET

Harvard Professor, Paleontologist, and Apologist Howie Meehan said Thursday at a super boring conference, “Sorry everybody, but your hands were once feet. I figured it out when I was looking at a wicked old fossil, and I’m pretty sure it is what I think it is. Either there was a jokester out there in 50,000BC who thought it would be funny to bury one body with the feet where the hands should be, or I’m really on to something.”

We interviewed two students walking around the campus about what they thought of the potential discovery. After a 30 minute interview we figured out that they don’t actually attend Harvard so we chose not to quote them in this article, but let it be known, they said some dirty stuff.

 

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NEW STUDY MAY SHOW NOTHING

A new study is in from an anonymous source claiming to be a “renowned institute of scientific research”, but not clarifying which institute. The study may show nothing at all. Some skeptics say it’s a cryptic message that actually holds lots of important information. Others claim it is a stack of A4s full of nonsense and occasional blank pages. Peer review will take a few months, and as always, the first reviewer will be sweet and supportive, the second critical and helpful, and the third a total dinglebutt who needs to start taking himself a little less seriously with his big science job and his unrestrained power over people just trying to submit some studies and stuff like that.

 

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40 POTENTIAL ROCK SHOW ATTENDEES M.I.A, WHAT HAPPENED?

This past Tuesday in Philadelphia, approximately 40 people decided not to go to out and see their friend’s band’s show at Spacebar.

TenForward is (according to their Myspace description written in 2008), a “Philly-based art-rock shoe-gazer band”. They met at liberal arts college and continue to play together despite lack of attendance at their performances and rehearsals.

Dwight Heisenower, a so-called friend of two of the members of TenForward, said “Yeah, I heard they were playing again, and I thought maybe I’d go have a beer, but then it looked like it was gonna be cloudy out and if it’s cloudy I feel like there’s a higher chance of rain or wind, so I didn’t risk it I guess. They also sorta don’t do music good.”

Sheryl O’Terrell, a former girlfriend of all of the band members except the bassist, claimed to be attending in her social media presence, but her physical presence was notably lacking. We caught up with her and asked “What gives Sheryl?”. She replied, “I forgot about the show, then I remembered about it and there was still time to make it over there, but since I had already forgotten about it happening, and I only happened to remember it before it was too late to go, that’s more like I’m good at remembering, and not necessarily like I remembered something that I was actually planning on doing, and that was a good enough excuse to convince myself not to go. Do you know what I mean?”

 

In any case, the show went on. TenForward played a mellow, slightly out of tune set of shoe-gazing art-rock (as promised) for two members of the opening band and one of their girlfriends. The three attendees all said they thought the show was “okay”, the bartender thought it, “sucked, Guinan would have turned into her true state and destroyed that band.”

 

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